A change of thought....

I have strive to be brutally honest in my blog, in hopes to share and impart personal experiences among my friends. It;s not by all means, accurate to how I feel and may even distort my daily emotions.

I only write on how I feel on that very day and on that particular subject. It does not reflect on my own personal agendas. I may have raise some concern among my friends about my new baby but it's a ongoing journey.

The update is I have stop overfeeding Baby Tyler because he has put on a lot of weight and his jaundice is clearing. I did tried to top his formula for night feed but I noticed some "pimples" on his face and it could be due to the heatiness of the formula, which I am not sure of.

I am persistent to stay true to BF if I can because I have milk and would otherwise, choose not to BF. Please do not assume I dun advocate formula because it is such a personal choice for me.

One of the main reason being I am eager to lose the baby flab and BF works wonder for me to lose the excess weight...fast.

I do not dare to even start working out as I am so scare of my scar and wound healing or hitting a hernia?

But a good friend suggested I take time to BF Tyler and it;s true, I have reach the 3 hrs time lap and I am contend.

Mother has been of great relief to me and the other thing that I have change my mind on is the state of child care in oz.

I pay 60 for half a day session in between 7 am to 1 pm.

The state of the equipment and well, overall hygiene of the place is quite alarming.

It;s not very clean after all.

Worst, with hotter weather, Lya could easily pick up contagious illness.

I had only send her so I can rest and sleep, but it turns out if Tyler continues to sleep 3 hrs quarterly , I could endure little Lya.

Child care needs to be regulated in Oz. It needs to have a higher standards and carefully monitor. Ill equiped ones are the worst.

IF the health inspector run regular sport checks on restaurants, why not on child care?

A surprise visit, to ensure the staff and cleaniless are kept at par?

I pay a very good sum of money for it.

I dun really mind paying for it but I mind sending her to some dodgy child care. The ones that are clean and properly managed are overcrowded and there are no vacancies.

Such a dilemma to get a good one indeed.

I was considering child care for Lya till November, simply because I thought it was the best thing to do to keep her well adjusted.

But it turns out I am better off joining the playgroup instead.

Would I take the risk of her catching something serious?

I do not think so...

Finally...

We tried Nan Gold for like the 7.30 pm feed and he still could not sleep till 11.30 pm.

I gave him around 100ml of Nan and continue to nurse him till he slept. He did pee and poo a far bit but the thing is, he went to bed at midnite and only woke up by 3.45am. Which is a good thing because mummy gets to sleep too.

I dun think baby Tyler can sleep through the night at this stage. He is far too young to hold his pee and poo poo.

But the formula helps contain him longer.

I do NOT have anything against formula. Just to clear up any misunderstandings or great debate.

It;s a personal choice for myself and my family.

Truthfully, I enjoy BF ( Breast feeding). Why?

I can;t put a finger on it.

Maybe cause it justify me, not working and I am fully committed to BF the babies.

Or maybe I am kinda scared of The C word, since mum is a breast cancer survivor and I am inclined to protect myself. With any luck because C does not discriminate right?

Or maybe I like to see the babies grow stronger and well, I simply enjoy feeding them.

and I love how many calories it burnt! I am a fat girl. I need to burnt as much off as I can and I simply do not have the time to work out. Not yet anyway.

Vic beckham runs 8 miles a day!!! Explaining the stick figure lar!

I dun have access to nannies or chefs or personal trainer.

I wish I had more access to families visits.

Poor mum is missing home, and anyone to talk to. I hope becky will come next weekend to cheer her up a tad bit and help out with Lya.

Counting on you Becky!

I still have a long way to go.

Milly leaves next friday.

My fingers are deeply crossed.

beloved baby tyler

I reached a momentum today. How I must not force myself to go beyond my limits.

I love nursing baby Tyler but breast milk is so digestable that he wakes up every 2 hrs througout the night and it;s straining me and my partner and baby Lya.

I had the option of topping up formula for night feeds but I have prevail as long as I could so Baby Tyler can have a good start in life.

Natural is best for baby but at this stage, I must admit, I am failing to keep up with his needs and I need some serious sleep.

The worst part, milly is going back next Wednesday and I need to do my own cooking, laundry and housework. I will have less and less time to nurse him. Baby Lya's jealous streak is adding more stress to me and I am on the verge of breaking down.

The only solution....adding on formula so he sleeps longer in the morning, giving me enough sleep to pull through the day time.

It;s sad that I can not afford help in Oz, a maid or a nanny.

It;s a do or die thing for me. As much as it breaks my heart, I need to consider all options.

My only guilt is because I nursed Lya till 1 year old and I can;t do the same for my little son.

My heart is breaking but for the sake of both chidren, How can I not use the best option and solve the problem. While ceasing to punish myself for being an imperfect mother.

How I wish I could hire help...

brilliant...

Lya started day care like a week ago and gosh golly, it made such a BIG difference in my life because I get to sleep in in the mid morning, when she is at her most active.

I was worried about the usual suspects. Contamination in the playground, Lya adjusting to the teachers and children but she prove to be the light of the group. If not, one of the most playful kids around.

It has been working so well because the entire household gets to rest in the mid mornings and when she comes home, all we need to do is feed her, bath her and put her for her afternoon naps.

Hopefully, I can managed her speech and table manners. Social skills might be improved on. So much so, I intend to send her in every day till November and slowly ease back by December.

I do need the extra sleep. Honestly, I managed her better when I am rested and well adjusted. Having the burden of nursing Tyler at wee mornings. I am torn between nursing and turning to the bottle ( formula) because it is much easier and so accessible.

But prevailing and being fair to both kids are my main goals. I managed to nurse Lya till 13 months and that was an only child. Handling two kids is like managing a multinational company, it takes a lot of effective management and I am yet to be proven capable.

But the child care for now, is such a brilliant option. Since I can;t really ship a maid from KL to Melbourne, this is the best option available...

thank goodness for child care!

Lya started her child care in East Doncaster because I could not get a place in my area, thanks to the waiting list policy and a lot of hoos and haas.

Rules are great to protect children but to not have proper child care for kids in Melbourne where there are plenty back home? I wondered if the Australia government is doing something about this serious issue.

Lya LOVES child care. It gives her the space to explore and to play. To socialise.

I know I should smack her when she misbehaves but she is only two and I hate to punish her without her understanding the concept of disciple. Seeing that she can;t talk yet.

My friend got pregnant recently and was pondering about morning sickness. I hate to tell her morning sickness is the least she can worry about because the entire motherhood journey is horribly traumatic if one comes unprepared.

Even nursing Tyler, gosh, that little boy can nurse for 2 hours straight. Contributing to my sore back and sore arm and sore breast!

Little Lya is at her horrible "Twos", she is at the verge of turning two and beginning to talk or somewhat in between the process of learning words.

Her energy is like non stop , replenishing source of renewable energy! Keeping up with her is a BIG task! One of which I rather leave to the teachers and other older kids to teach her manners or how one should behave.

Not throwing her bowl of rice or spilling her cup of water...all for FUN!!!

How can I possibly scold a cute little face like hers?

Ain;t we all children...once a upon a time?

She should have her go at being a little mischief.

Motherhood...with its endless dramas, obstacles, all I really want to say to my dear friend....

" Get ready for the ride of your life, it;s a 18 year old project , fill with non stop challenges and if you really think about it, and give it a real go, with a added pinch of humor; anyone can do it...and may even enjoy it"

LOL...

Baby Tyler says Hi

Baby Tyler Zhang was born on 12.02 pm, Sep 13th, Monday at St Vincent Private in the city.

He weighed in at 3.68kg and measured around 49cm.

He was 38 weeks. Dr Youssif arrived by 11.35 am and I was very very anxious at this stage because I reached the hospital at 9.15 am and waited for a good 2 hours for the op.

It was very different from Lya as the anticipation killed my anxiety and I was feeling extremely nervous but refused to burden my partner. It would had worried him further.

The operation took a good half an hour to get Tyler out and another hour to stitch me up.

I went back to my room 420, by 2 pm and mum was worried sick.

I was under a lot of morphine and it was a wee bit disorientated and I had to start nursing Tyler by 2.10 pm.

The first night was quite scary but mother stayed with me on Monday nite and Tuesday nite.

She was a blessing.

Patrick stayed with me on wed nite and thursday nite and we got discharged on Friday morning by 9 am.

Friends and workmates send their flowers and best regards. Baby Tyler did got more guests than Lya.

Everyone comment that he was slightly smaller.

How do I feel about baby Tyler?

Very Proud and would I do it again,....yes I would.

I guess my pain treshold is much higher than anticipated.

By Sunday, the mid wife offered invaluable advice that would change my world. Pump extra milk and feed him manually because he has such a small mouth. Before that, it took me 2 hours in late nite feeds to satisfy him. He had jaundice and wasn;t getting enough fluids.

What a momentum leap it had made. Not only do I rest more because I nurse quicker but Tyler gets all the milk he can possible drink and I am ever so happy because I dun get sore nipples!

Welcome to the world , Baby Tyler..

I am so eager to see he grow stronger and bigger each day....

x0x0

Here we go....

it;s 6.43 am, Monday, Sep 13th and I am all amp up for the morning operation.

I did sleep quite well. Partner is having some issues with his mother and I am hoping their disagreement would not dampen the spirit that the baby is arriving today, by 11.30 am.

How am I feeling?

Good. Very good. I did once really so I really do know what to expect.

Having mother here is such a comfort and maybe she can see how c-sec is now both safe and very well organized.

My pain tolerance is quite high and I can really honestly, tell you, once you see the baby, everything shoots out the window.

One or two babies, it does not matter. I am having a sibling for little Lya so she can truly understand the bond between siblings.

Something I hope to impart on my partner so he can understand how important family is.

I reckon family are like superglue and how it sticks to you. Even if you want to get rid of that bond, it refuses to let go and somehow, the glue just surrounds you, getting tighter and tighter. Forcing you to embrace its presence and significance?

The birth of life is so fragile, delicate and it reminds you that you are not alone in this cold , cold world.

My life is filled with much disappointments and resentments. But to let those negative experiences dampen my spirits or rewrite my soul, I do not think I have the capacity to hate anyone or wish anyone the worst of luck.

Simply because everyone have a motive , an agenda for what they are doing or is trying to achieve.

I rather just concentrate on myself and challenge myself to be the best that I can be. Discard any bad habits, come to terms that I am still learning and embrace my children.

In this cold land down under, children are my root systems which keep me focus on the long term view that I am building a beautiful family.

The feeling of holding a small infant, fresh and clean outta this world. With no mistakes and nothing but a fresh clean start.

How wonderful can that be?

With all the horrors in the world, like Sep 11th heartache, I hope to find a new meaning in life. I hope all mankind would see beyond their differences and learn to just, live in peace.

I hope my little baby will have a wonderful start in life and never stop believing in miracles itself....

life itself....

Here we go....

It's tomorrow!

I had the worst sinus problem last night and I did slightly panic but refused to let the rest worry about my condition.

I went to bed early hoping to cure my own sinus and work up quite liberated.

Milly is very concerned about Little Lya and I can understand. Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) is all about balancing Ying ( cool energy) and Yang ( hot energy). Different food have different hot and cold properties. Keeping up with the Ying and Yang can be a quite cumbersome and could tie down our social life?

Her advise or instructions ( more like it)...

1. Lya must eat only meat for lunch and continue on the NO seafood diet, only pork and chicken and fish.

2. Lya likes soup-based products, this includes dumplings, sui kow and wonton, home made with pork mince.

I prefer her to have chicken but would I dare to risk her having a lower immune system if I switch to something different?

I am a bit weary of those off cut pork mince in Boxhill but I do not think I have the time to like , mince my own cuts?

MMm...this is tricky...

3. Lya must be warm, overdressing is needed and must wear pants.

I am a bit of a fashion freak here, so yeah, this could hurt me because I love to see my little girl in dresses. Maybe when the weather warms up?

caution would be taken here

4. Lya must be kept away from crowded play center to avoid any contamination from other kids

This is debatable but I hate to admit that she has caught running nose, red slap cheeks ( a viral infection), Viral flu and coughs from other sickly kids.

5. Lya likes "Up" The movie from Disney and The Wiggles DVD Concert. It could be the melancholy rela'ship between the Old man and the young boy, plus the talking dog.

Or just the adventure and the entire storyline that attract Lya to "UP"

I got other movies from Shrek, Kung Fu Panda, AristroCats, Madagascar and etc, but she ONLY would keep still with "Up"

Why?

Children are unpredictable and most challenged to keep entertain. I have my ways but I rather just let Lya let me know.

Tomorrow, 3 am , I have to stop eating and drinking.

Everyone is asking me how I am coping or am I anxious?

Not really, seriously. Maybe cause it;s time for the little baby to greet the family.

...

TGIF !!

Yup, it's creeping nearer and there are like 3 nites to go before I start my fasting. The hospital have rang me up for the initial administrative work.

Asking me about blood type, allergies and etc. Dr. Youssif will be the one conducting the c-sec but I have another pediatric, Dr Douglas, who will see me through after-op care.

He mailed me his details yesterday.

Mum's xray came on wednesday and I had to drive down to DIMA to submit it. On the way, we went to brunetti to get milly a sponge cake. A small one that cost us 29 bucks!!

But it was fluffy and semi sweet. Most cakes , say, from Michel's patisserie does taste a bit more, bland and sweeter.

Luckily I went all the way to Lygon to get the cake because by 5 pm, milly;s friend rang to see what did we did for her birthday and as I pull out the cake from the fridge, she was pleasantly surprised!

Goes to show, every little effort counts in this world. Anyone who have a birthday coming would expect something, even a small candle on a tiny cupcake, as a grand gesture of them turning a year older.

Remember that people!

I went to pick up Lya's nappies from Big W, 32 per box, with the usual price of 41, every sale is noticed!!

We went to safeway to get Mum's avocadoes and I paid for it but forgotten to take the groceries.

Mum was pretty angry at me and that was 11 am. We went back to safeway by 2.30 pm and I told the manager how I forgotten my groceries. She kindly allowed me to pick up the stuff I got, which I did remember and got them for free.

Mum did want to take more than what we paid for but I reminded her, it was my mistake and I shall admit to it and take as what I have paid.

We watched a Mexican Latin MOvie on Sbs Two about, a middle aged , outta work mechanic that made his fortune by breeding his Male Pitt bull, called Le chine.

One scene depict the man, giving up his much needed job as a guard, with his dog, for 30 pesos a day, to the previous drunken guard. The previous guard cried back for his job , regretting his misfortune and the man gave him back his job outta empathy.

He went to the bank to cash his cheque and the Bank manager introduced a Dog trainer to him because he loved Pitt bulls!

Another twist in the story about how unselfishness and a little kindness could lead to his good fortune?

Had he not be a good saint and took pity on the guard, he would not have known that the pitt bull was worth a lot of money from dog shows and breeding capabilities?

Such a simple storyline but very touching?

I would ask for my children to watch the film itself. Because it really does spark a conversation?

With the recession going on, everyone who has a job knows the critical of having one and being unemployed. Bills piling and endless things to pay around the house?

Dr Youssif enquired about patrick, last night for my last visit. How he never sees him around, accompany me on my prenatal visits. He has to work, I told him because his fees are closed to 5K itself!

But going to any government practice is time consuming and long ques are expected.

We have to pay for medical services, it is a compulsory.

Goes to show you, the things we take for granted for?

It's Friday and the sun is breaking up the raining morning clouds!

wakey wakey...

nose be clear!

Most common symptoms are bloated feet and hands? But a seriously blocked nose?

How weird and very uncomfortable.

It;s Thursday and I am really feeling the " frustration" of trying to get a good night rest and waking up with a very sore throat, blocked nose and horrible breathing pattern. Heavy and uncomfortable.

I tried to do a natural remedy, salted gaggle and Manuka Honey concoction in attempt to smooth the throat.

I am feeling a tad bit tired from trying to breath properly and turning repeating in attempt to find a comfortable spot to sleep!

The bed is small for me and I had initially wanted to sleep alone but I know my partner yearns to be with us, his family.

So I endured long nights of unrest and waking up at 6.30 am to see the break of sun rise.

However, with the quiet morning, nothing except birds chirping, I find eternal peace and tranquility.

I can reply my emails and blog without the interference of Lya's naughty hands!

Maybe it's a good thing, I get 1 hour of peace while they all sleep like babies.

Oh...I did went to bed by 9 pm, so My sleep is covered. In case anyone tries to convince me I need all the rest I could get.

Either it;s programmed in me to sleep for 8 hours max and anything extra would be wasted because I can;t go back to sleep.

If the nose wasn;t giving me any further issue, I would had slept a wee bit longer. Just taking a peek at Lya napping calms my nerves.

....

unconditional LOve....

I remembered writing about "unconditional Love" in some essay that was aim at some contest, I think it was about mother;s day and I was supposed to write a 15 words slogan about my love for my mother.

But what does "unconditional Love" even mean?

I thought about it long and hard. Mother is not perfect but she is the best thing that I could ask for. I was not forsaken in terms of the basic need of a good education, a firm hand in independence and maybe a reality check about "real" life.

Maybe I am not pampered like my partner but we balance each other out. He have what I do not have. I am not bitter about people who have such accommodating parents. Parents who provide for them and continue to do so. My parents are frugal.

Very frugal indeed.

But they had to , in order to bring up five girls in such a harsh environment. Uncles , aunties and cousins was not very closed nor did they offer any comfort.

Still, we grew up with much love to offer and a hard head to work hard for our life.

"Unconditional Love" to me is about total acceptance. That one is different and no two person are alike. To adapt and to change myself , for the good of others. But never to judge how other live or to think for once, that I am any better than anyone. Or that I know better than my parents.

They are still respected, highly regarded and well positioned.

Their faults are minor because I can change. I will cope and I will continue to learn about my passage as a mother and as a better parent to my children.

My sisters and I both agree although mother should really just learn to appreciate us more often, we can not and will not expect her to change.

That would be too harsh for a lady of her prestige to accept.

That any of her girls whine that she is a nuisance. That would simply be heart broken and an eternal sin on our behalf.

I realized that and continue to explain to my partner.

It is not difficult but it had made me come to terms with how much I can do and what Love really means in a family.

How two families, of such different upbringing, can come together to achieve a momentum.

Heck, even reach equilibrium. A balance that both parties have such wonderful children to love, to teach, to play with and to embrace life.

My children are the key and the glue to this equation.

Although mother has doubts on how I cope with two, with no help, I assured her I am open minded and I am changing.

Right before my own eyes, my thinking and level of empathy, even the need and the urge to protect and love my children, has continually evolved and changed.

Maybe I will rewrite what is "Unconditional Love"....

Mummy dearest...

Dear Beloved mother,

With time passed, I am afraid you underestimate how marriage rules apply to all of your daughters and how we are subjected to society's norm on how to cope with being a good wife.

While protecting ourself against any potential harm like a loyal and faithful husband. How I wish the times were simple when we could relax and let the partner bring back the bacon and we concentrated on the kids. But kids do grow up eventually. I am not the housewife type because I am ambitious and merciless when it comes to personal goals.

I craved the high life and I have a shopholic bug in me which pushes me to work and have control of my own finances while balancing my family.

I truly advocate that working mothers make better partner because they are pulling their weigh. With the current economic situation and how expensive things cost, any women is forced to face the music that a double income help cope with financial arguments. Parents can afford better things in life like holidays and better education for their kids.

Frugality means NO holidays, eating in and having no money for any entertainment like movies or a trip to the zoo?

Saving all for the kids right?

Mother dearest, organization is such a key in running a household. The " never mind, Never mind" attitude does not cut in anything in life if one do not take control of your life.

Even if you are retired, ridden with illnesses and tired, you have to take care of yourself and eat a proper vegan diet that is varied and highly nutritious with low fat contend. Eating endless amount of eggs and gluten does not mean you are doing the right thing nor condemning meat eaters for their protein intake.

In fact, there is NOTHING wrong with eating meat, as always, it all boils down to how one does not waste food and eat the right thing?

Everyone preaches good eating habits. It is a lifestyle and it is a daily regime.

I am eating for TWO, do not judge me for what you think is right or wrong. I am an adult. You must learn to see that.

I hope you can realize on your own, to appreciate your own daughters and not condemn us for not being the ideal doctors, lawyers or whatever that you think is worth respecting.

For years, I have fought with myself to get your approval but in the end, I seek personal enlightenment. I seek self actualization and coming to be a type of person I would be proud to be.

I am now, my own person.

Seeking not the approval of my partner, or my in-laws, or my peer or my own parents.

I seek only my self satisfaction.

I set my own benchmark.

Last but not least, I will pray for your health and happyness. No matter what, I cherish each moment we get to spend together and the time you spend with your grandchildren.

Love always

Charlene

It;s MOnday!

What did I thought would happen? Two mothers under the same roof for like 3 weeks before the baby arrives? Different opinions? Different upbringing? Different attitude?

One side is my own mother and the other side is milly. There can not be a happy ending but a level of tolerance. It's a Home and Not some hotel. I know there is a fine line between being messy, too care free, unhygienic, Unorganized or simply not caring enough to do a good job.

However, being too controlling over matters that must not be push too far because a child's happyness is at state? IF I ever pull a "Bree" personality in Desperate Housewife, as pointed by my sister, which is true and relevant; I will end up making everyone in the family miserable because they can not keep up with my music.

I have to go pass being too uptight about matters that does not weigh in anymore than it should. OF coz, I can;t let cockroaches run the household or let dodo's fur invade the floor.

If anything, the dog keeps me level because I need to ensure the house is clean enough for sanitary reasons.

But spotless and like, cooking a five star meal? Come on, darling, if you ever happen to read my blog dear ( My loving partner), Please try and understand I am coping without any extra hands and I can ONLY do one thing at One time.

I always pride myself in taking care of myself. Whatever happens, be it Lya is sick or must be fed, or house must be clean, I always drink enough water and eat the right food.

A packet of chips does not cut as a good meal when the baby is nursing and I realized that I do need to keep a level head and DO what I can.

To my darling partner, Please stop comparing the both mothers and maybe lift a finger and help me. I can not bring myself to treat both mothers as maid.

Because they are NOT....

full stop.

He have the most ..... caring parents I have ever seen. Not only do they support his life choices financially, they actually serve him foot and mouth.

But how he take them for granted.

How he neglect the fact that he is old enough to take full reign of his role as my husband and a father to my children.

IF I over-relied on in laws for help, I would forever be .... ill prepared to control my own children and what Kinda example do I set for my children?

It;s Monday and I am not going to let anything tamper my anxiety to see my baby arrive in this world.

Friday sep 3th

I had to fix the Four wheel drive today because of some computer fault and seriously, why do people here work with such.....laze?

Like I send the car in straight in the morning and request kindly for them to call me back if they got it fixed. Simple and straight forward.

But I waited 1.5 hours and My gut instincts told me the car is ready but they wouldn;t bothered to ring me up, like I requested.

Luckily mum and I had pancakes at pancake parlour in Doncaster as I waited. Seriously, I feel like smacking someone for doing this to a heavily pregnant woman and an elderly mother.

But I guess my hormones did not rage and I just assumed normalcy. People should travel more often to HIGH traffic areas like Hong Kong, Singapore and Beijing. Really see what it means to serve HIGH traffic customer service.

I paid a bundle for customer service but I do not even get half the service in speed, efficiency or just plain , get it done as soon as you can.

Or serve as many as you can within limited time.

I am not sure whether it;s the working life here and with just a mere 22 million population, Australia's human capacity can;t be compared to high end bustling cities like Shanghai ( which does stand at around 22 million itself). How do cities like Shanghai function then?

Or maybe because I am pregnant that I can;t tolerate nonsense. Perhaps I could had insert more compassion and empathy. Though I was once reminded, being pregnant in Macao and taking the Bus to work and NO one would offer me a seat.

But in Melbourne, I reign supremacy because everyone knows pregnancy gives you royal treatment if you only know how to use it.

Guess it goes to show, there is no perfection in this world.

I am going under private this time and I am interested to know if there is a difference with Mercy Woman in Ivanhoe because the staff in Mercy was very pleasant. Facilities was clean and very hotelish indeed. But that was a new building.

Upfront, St Vincent looks a bit dark and small.

However, we all do realize that we can;t judge a book by its cover.

I am paying quite a lot for my gynae but he is a professional and he hardly let me wait between consultation.

I have to pay a lot for parking in mercy and the doctors randomly let me wait from 30 to 80 mins per visit because they could be on call or away for another operation.

Money does make a difference I guess.

All and all....I guess with the right attitude and enough empathy, anyone can resolve any matter.

By 12.30 pm, my partner rang me up to check if I had finish servicing the car. As predicted, I knew he would call and check on me.

I am , after all, his personal assistant, privately of coz.

But I assumed all roles with pride because one must continue to grow, learn, adapt and cope.

It;s all good...

letter to Lya

Dear baby Lya,

Mummy is writing you a love letter that I hope you will one day understand.

Mummy is having another baby in one week time and I hope that you will be good and reduce your tantrums to help mummy cope with the new addition to our beloved family.

Mummy will try my best to make this transition as smooth as possible and I ask , sorry, I beg for your patience and perhaps, co-operation to not make mummy's anxiety any worst.

Mummy is not sending you off to your military grandmother or the other care-free grandmother because mummy hope you can be apart of this journey.

Mummy have no idea whether what awaits us in September but please bear with me till they leave by October.

Soon, it will be just you , me , your younger sibling and daddy.

Trust in mummy that this is the best for you and me.

Trust in mummy that you will one day thank mummy for all of this.

Last but not least, Please learn to speak soon because you really need to relief mummy from your controlling grandmother. Please tell her what you really want.

Mummy is pretty tired of her " I am better than you" parenting interference.

This is mummy's only small request.

May God be with us as we walk through another chapter of our lives.

Love always

Mummy Charlene

counting down...

I have a few things on my mind as I edge nearer to the operation date.

I still wanna get some jurlique travel pack, simply because I love the smell of lavender based products and it may cheer me up a bit, while I am bed ridden in the hospital.

Hubbie met a flat tyre this morning and I had to go to Bridgestone Boxhill to fix it. Went out by 9.15 am and came back by 11am. The tyre did took only 40 mins to fix but mother was keen to do some shopping in Whitehorse Centro and I just obliged poor mum. She went to raid Katies and I just thought might as well hit Hollywood Nails to get my manicure. At least nice smooth cuticles would cheer me up as I prepare to pack my hospital bag.

I am taking my kimono dressing gown for this surgery because I know everyone is going to shoot us bathing the baby for the first time and I really want to look comfortable and relax.

Somehow, the second time around, I am relax because I anticipated the after surgery emotions, pain threshold, nursing dilemma , baby crying and all that weird feeling of losing all control but submitting to mother nature.

My hair is longer and I intend to braid it so I dun look like a total wreck!

The second time coming, I really intend to make FULL use of the nursery! Now, for any first time mothers, I felt the insane need to see my baby to know that the baby is well. Anxiety run high with the first born. NOT having enough sleep and having the baby cry endlessly can make one go insane. Lya cried really badly at night and the nurse would suggest to me to take her to the nursery so I can rest.

I refused initially because not seeing her made me anxious. I end up having like 3 to 4 hours sleep for the first 2 days in the hospital. With the scar and all, this is a real train wreck situation. Very uncomfortable.

I realized that I should had let the nurse take Lya to the nursery at night and let me rest because she will be awake by 5 AM , ready to be nurse. Baby can smell their mothers and the breast milk. This itself can make the baby restless and refused to sleep longer hours. 5 hours sleep is heaven for any new mothers.

I wish someone would had told me earlier because I was traumatized by the first 5 days in hospital because Lya would cry endlessly.

No one told me anything and I really felt like the worst mother, ever.

Sharing this with anyone is like a real heavy burden.

I know so much more now that I ever did before. All I can say is I hope to impart the same wisdom to Lya when she ever needs to walk down motherhood for the first time.

Or maybe I should write a book, a real book based on real life scenarios.

My book, " What do expect: the Pregnancy" really did not help much!

to be contd....

HappY me...

This is how I really want people to see me, Happy and with a pet poodle. Smiling and being so cheerful.

Not stuck at home with nagging in laws , constantly bickering on how to raise my little girl.

Before I jump into conclusion, I really just have to say, I imagine my life, even with kids, adapting, accommodating, cheerful, calm, reserve, working hard and not taking life for granted.

I do not believe in asking anyone else for help to raise my kids. They will let me know what they need and I shall learn, adapt, cope and pick up.

Milly have been hounding me on their routine , though I had to remind her , I managed to raise my little girl without her help. She have been with me for 3 months and no doubt, she can claim that I can not cope without her help, I am determine to rebut her debate and challenge her that I can.

Happy thoughts always seems to be on my side. I admit, the fury of getting someone to tell you things that you already know, is kinda like getting over a heated debate. By 30 mins or so, I may forget the reason why I am so angry about. Simply because I am too tired to care or too busy with other things that I forgotten why I was even angry at first.

Like holding a toy poodle, or just admiring the courage of other friends to open a boutique, I am inspired to not just limit my own boundaries.

Why should I limit my own happiness and let others affect how I feel?

Personally, I know what to do with my kids, and my career and my daily emotions?

I am eager to get back my life to myself and my partner. I am eager to just have the privacy of planning a family getaways without any wife tales on what you can and cannot do with children.

Sometimes, you just have to remind yourself , how you used to be like and not let others convinced you that having children is a burden. I can still be a mother, dress up and have a toy poodle as a pet.

and Why not?

Slowly does it...

Raging hormones can really get to me sometimes. I had the pleasure of extending my mother's visitor visa , hoping to get it done before the baby arrives.

I went to the Immigration at 8.45 am only to find it jammed pack. And thank you very much, No seats for my bloated tummy. I was flabbergasted and downright frustrated. But in the end, slow and steady always win hands down.

Of coz, getting upset over the systems would not work. I assumed my big belly would win me some sympathy points. In the end, I had to work within the system and ring for an appointment.

Mother was not very helpful with her endless questions. I had make an inquiry and we would need to wait up to 3 hours with a walk-in request. Of coz, she blames my father for not seeking a 6 months visa like I requested but I assumed it needed proper documentation, as with all government paperwork. Not on anyone hearsay or anyone advise.

Trying to explain that to my mother without losing my cool is a BIG hurdle. Especially when I am ridden with hormones. In the end, as I snapped back at my mother, I felt a total sense of overwhelm. I just have to resolve the matter.

There is NO choice. Milly, on the other hand, is also extending her visa on her passport and my partner have pushed the burden of taking her to the embassy on me. Can I possibly say NO?

My poor partner works. Someone have to and they are not accustomed to the language and my mother is for sure, Not accustomed to doing things for herself. Always relying on my father for her banking details, and even her will.

I dun mean to rush my mother nor nag her. But she have this very peculiar habit of minding people;s biz and NOT her own? Including renewing her passport or Identity card or just simple matters like learning to make a phone calls or etc.

Of coz, I dun mean to shout at my poor mother. That would be devious. But life really is a load of issues. My gas bill got canceled by my next door neighbor and I had to ring up and fix the confusion. As expected, my partner expected me to FIX the problem?

Because I am home bound, not working, I am always the problem fixer.

I have the time, so he assumed.

I handled all of his parent's visa issues and including my mother. I can get overwhelm with long waiting list and ques.

Like anything in life, ( which is a nuisance, be it if you are single, married, kids or no kids) , slow and steady win the race. I simply do not have the choice of stopping down nor can I just sit here and feel sorry for myself. I have live far too many birthdays to see that life is a constant struggle.

In the end, everyone in my family and his family who is worried sick on how I cope with two children ( with no maids), I only have this to say...

" I can and I will and I just have to..."

Shop around the corner

A friend just opened a Japanese clothing and lifestyle shop in Lonsdale street, City, Opposite QV, called Ninita.

I have to admit, I am admiring the commitment to take a risk and open a shop.

She have my ideal shop, the interior, the outlay, the cute little poodle dog as the motto. The dog's name is nini.

One could only dream about opening a similar shop around the corner.

Maybe one day....

My little angel..

Lya is my little angel. She really does light up my life here.

I do not know how I ever live before her arrival. I know this is corny but I am going to hold on dearly to her childhood because she is growing up so fast.

Milly's plea to bring her back to China while I cope with the second baby has been left in great denial because I simply can not find it in my heart to part ways with my baby girl.

I wish I could do it because I know she will be better taken care of but I am also very doubtful on how she would cope without me or her father or her sibling.

She belongs with her family.

Till the day she tells me what she wants, I intend to do what is Right for her.

My prayers go to her everyday and I vowed to pass on to litte Lya, Only good karma.

I am behaving myself and not holding on to silly disagreements because in the end, I love Lya way way too much to not let her have the best of both worlds.

...

I dun mean to only post the nice photos, so this shot clearly shows how BIG I really am.

Honestly, the bloating is really evidently and I assumed it's hormones and a concoction of other elements working towards the end of my pregnancy.

I am 36 weeks due. I will end the pregnancy at 38 weeks and the baby is expected to be slightly smaller than Lya because Lya was 40 weeks due.

Emotionally, I am quite a roller coaster case. At some days, I simply feel like tearing down the walls to get what way. Give Lya milk and bath her and let her wear a dress for goodness sake, NO matter what the weather is.

The weather is really reaching spring but there is a Flu bug going on and I guess it's better to be safe and let her continue to wear hideous layers( which make her look like a little BOY!!!)

Vanity has always been my biggest vice. I hate being slumpy and worst, putting on so much weight ( yes, I know it;s all baby) but to lose it again?

I do admit I love to work out simply because of the adrenalin charge. I was such a HUGE girl in Secondary even though I swam often. Refer to the extreme broad shoulders of moi.

But with 2 kids and nursing? How would I ever find the time to work out?

Simple, Improvise. I really can make it on a 7 hours sleep time daily. Anything extra is a waste of time. Do not ask me on where do I even find the energy to do it. I just do.

I do not have anyone to take over my shift and seriously, I realized that I really do enjoy kicking myself to work harder. As if for some lame excuse that I do not have a career and I am not letting myself go soft?

I still wanna work towards a mutual goal and strive harder and harder.

DO the impossible?

Be a domestic goddess ( whatever that means lar), I dun mean baking cupcakes !

But somehow pull through the agony of not messing up my house and still remain sane.

Which mean, I am trying not to lose my cool, NO breakdowns, or crying for no reasons, part of the Post Natal thing, seriously, my body will react accordingly to the hormones!!!

I will try and write about my ordeal ( IF I can find the time).

Note: Lya is obsessed with my laptop and iphone to play wiggles videos and songs!!!

She is barely 2 years old people!

I allowed her to do what she wants, right now anyway, that little girl can kick me sometimes.

My hired help

This is the baby capsule I hired from an online website. It;s a baby capsule which I can take in and out of the car, to be used on a young infant up to 6 months old.

I saw people using it and I really needed to hire one for the second baby because there is NO way I can pull on to Lya and carry a pram with the younger sibling.

Thank goodness for hiring baby accessories because the real thing could cost up to 300 but I can only use it for 6 months.

Milly is concerned of the structural design and how baby's back if arched but seriously, that woman can worry endlessly about everything in this world!!

Not that I do not worry about this myself but I have seen a lot of people using it and I am sure it is perfectly safe.

In case anyone is wondering, the chinese worry excessively more than anyone I have ever seen !

If anything, I think my fellow friends, anyone not from China specifically, worry much much less than the chinese.

Again, not to say it;s a bad trait , just how much can one worry about?

I can't afford hired help and I wish I could so , this is the next best thing I can think of.

I am saying a pray for myself as I really , really embracing the ride of my life.

All I can think of is , please god, please let my partner be understanding as I work out the new routine for the kids. I am kinda worried if he whined about a messy house while I try to hold on to my sanity.

Or worst, he asked his parents for help and I am again, buried by endless advices and old wife tales.

"Think positive Charlene! You can do this!" ....

2 more weeks!

The countdown has begun, it's August 25th, Wednesday and I am due within 2 weeks time frame.

The bloating is still ongoing but I am in a good mood, relatively.

Guess I am surrendering to nature and let mother nature take it course. The tummy is not as huge as I have anticipated. Probably cause I was too busy chasing Little Lya around to gorge myself on food. No cravings so far and no eating disorder or overeating.

I am taking my Iron supplement but the supplement can cause such havoc on heatiness and leading to very uncomfortable constipation. It is in liquid form, as advised by my other friend who is in the same scenario, Leanne. I count my blessings with the amount of HELP I am getting and I am praying for her because she have no help at all.

Such a brave soul and My heart goes out to all mothers dealing with pregnancies and two year olds. Kudos on your effort and please remember that you are not alone in the battle of keeping your sanity and your life together.

My mother have been such a comfort to me at this time. However, my heart was sore when I can obviously see that she misses home and my dear father. Staying at home with Lya can be a life imprisonment because she have a running nose currently, and milly is declaring everyone under house arrest.

Not that I am not bothered but I guess nothing really scares me now. I dun see a point of overreacting to small minor ailments of Lya. As long as we soldier on, I assumed we can weather through this adjustments.

I am a little bit doubtful on how havoc the new baby would be and how well can we all adjust to the new routine.

Endless cries at night and nursing over the clock. According to my other friend , Linda who just celebrated the arrival of baby Sean, it can be frightening tiring. And Linda does have hired help!

I am to do without any help but my poor parents, who in their late 60's and early 70's

Wish me luck people...

Defusing little tantrums

Now tantrums of little ones can make or break a mother's patience and love for their child.

For whatever reasons the child refuse to listen or do what they are supposed to do, one must never give up to seek a working solution.

We have a lot of help in our house currently, thank goodness. But the downside is Lya is getting way too much attention and she tends to throw little tantrums because she simply is having TOO much fun.

Like getting her to go to bed and she wants to play with the Listerine Bottle, Yes, why the Listerine bottle? I have no idea? Maybe it;s the green liquid, or the bottle itself?

She will cry endlessly till she gets what she wants. This is the tricky part. Any expert who tells you not to let the child get their ways, must be kidding. If she cries endlessly , ie, sobbing loudly, she ends up tired, red eyes and could even end up traumatized by the ordeal.

Traumatized in a way that's it is bed time and she needs to relax and go to bed. The worst part of handling 2 yrs old is they can;t communicate properly. They can;t talk and tell you what they want.

How do i defuse this? I realized my tone of voice is critical not to make her cry even louder, ie, talk to Lya in a soft, speaking tone.

I usually just talk to her and ask her what she wants, she still have the Listerine bottle in her hands. But I will go get the next best thing, her daddy's drinking bottle, the raspberry flavor water. Dun judge me, I know the sugar kick is bad for her but she simply adores it.

I made the switch and she is playing with the bottle.

The funny part is, a few nites ago, she was screaming murder for the empty Listerine bottle and she practically hugged the empty bottle to sleep!

No matter what the experts tell you to do in such situation, I somehow find it is best to get to know and understand your own child. She thoroughly understands what I am saying and I level with her , at every tantrums, on why and what she can and cannot do.

Like hitting her grandparents with a stick. Or dodo in that matter.

Or using daddy's laptop to watch her ABC for kids online. Another favorite thing for her.

In the end, I come to a conclusion that she is trying to mimic every single thing that we do. Eat from our bowl, drink from our bowl, play with what we are playing and watch what we are watching.

If imitation is the biggest flattering thing for anyone, then understanding why kids throw senseless and mindless tantrums are all about getting to know your little child.

That is what I have been trying to explain to daddy. He simply thinks Lya is misbehaving but it;s not actually that case in point.

Perhaps I spend the most time with her and I can truly read her mind?

Like with anything in life, it's best not to act too harshly and think before we do anything we regret later. If anything, having children teaches what you are capable of and how humane and how much Love one can have for another person.

It teaches you the things that we take for granted for in life....

and I am still learning...

Evolving love

My newly formed family is finally reaching an important climax, a combination of both families, coming together in times of need, to welcome the next generation.

Milly is carrying Lya and the old lady is her mother, Lya's Great grandmother and my beloved mother, wearing the green jacket.

I have often worried , a tad bit, on how my mother would get along with milly. My mother is a very , very simple lady, who does what she can to help me cope with Lya. She is coming to 70 of age and if compared to milly, a young 57, my mother is not as agile nor can she do everything for me.

But with my respect for elders, I am determined not to let anyone serve me. I have surrender much of my daily chores to milly, because of my delicate condition. But I am reminded, that her love must not be forsaken.

If anything, I have learn to hold my tongue, when disagreements arises and simply solve each conflict of interest with equal debate and less harshness.

Father's reminder to not forsake their love and concern has given me much thought.

I am indeed more stable with my own feelings and just allow new love into my family.

With an open mind and an open heart, I am embracing the new found love and respect.

Please do not think for once that it has been easy because like anything in life, there are bad and good days.

But I have learn to not hold any grudges and just take it as it comes.

The pictures, themselves, will tell you the story of my journey.

Mind you, my mother dun even speak proper mandarin and yet, their new found respect for each other is profound. Almost inspiring....

Spring is in the Air...

On my weekly visit to my gynae, I started to see blooming blossoms in the surrounding gardens. Reminding me that Spring is fast approaching and how endearing life can be.

If we only took more time to stop and smell the roses.

Mother is amazed by the colours and the transformation. Each season carrying with it, its own special moments, beauty and life changing scenery.

Coming from a Sub tropical country, we are more likely to appreciate things like cherry blossoms, tulips, endless choices of bread, cheeses, milk, snow and anything foreign.

I am reminded to only let Lya experience what my childhood are about and where I am from.

The warmth of the sun and ever blooming bulbs only reminded me that I will soon end my pregnancy journey and start a new chapter.

Bringing with me, endless hope and joy to face all uncertainties with a hint of anticipation but loads of enthusiasm.

I hope Mother will enjoy the changing seasons, as she plans to spend the summer with us.

Grandpa's Jacket

Lya's Grandfather, from my partner's family, got her this purple insulated Jacket , made in Korea. I had previously requested my in-laws not to buy her too many jackets but I realize they simply love Lya too much.

Reminding me on how a kind word can warm one's heart.

She looks simply covered with love and mind you, this jacket is around HKD 1200, not cheap by any means. It goes to show how much her grandparents love her.

I am truly blessed in that light, because as long as she is loved, I shall not reprimand little things in life that does not matter. Nor shall I be fussy over things like interference and chinese medicinal debate.

I am no longer torn between my own rights as a mother and what is good for my baby girl.

The jacket represent the endearing Love that we share , communally, as a family, for little Lyanne.

I am Ok ..mummy...

My dearest baby girl is having loose stool but no fever or lack of spirit and poor milly is running herself down to nurse her, unnecessarily.

I am quite confident she will pull through the stomach bug herself and I have seen Dr Daniel Tan, last Friday and he assured me it;s nothing serious. In which, all children will need time to fine tune their immunity and grow outta it.

Try telling that to my milly is like trying to force a horse to drink water. IMPOSSIBLE. A heated argument almost broke out this morning but I managed to avoid it by keeping my mouth shut and my mind focus on the goal. Which is, " Mummy, I am fine, do not worry..." , if only baby Lya can speak.

Eventually, she will speak, one fine day. She will one day tell her grandmother that she is not cold,or that she is full, "please do not continue to feed me", and yes, " I am well and OK" and " I want to play"

oo..One day she will tell her grandmother, that she will want to eat something other than dumplings. Till that day arrives, I shall remain my posture and calmness to let nature take its course.

Children have a funny way and they will surprise you on how much a week can change. By next week, she will be accommodating, happy and running about while the last week, she will continue to throw her unexplained tantrums!

For no particular reasons, she woke us at 1 am and starting screaming her lungs out. I tried to comfort her but I can't carry her as I wanted to because she tend to kick me and I have my other baby to take care of.

So, I had to ask my partner to pick her up and cuddle her.

Seriously, I was thinking the worst, could it be something terrible like ADD? Attention deficit Disorders or some kinda weird unexplained stuff.

But after like 20 mins, she went back to sleep.

What happened? I seriously have no clue. Maybe a bad dream?

For now, Lya is napping peacefully and all I can wait is for her to express herself clearly....

"Mummy, I am ok..."

3 more weeks to go

How time really flies when one do not take notice of the passing days. The countdown has begun and I am only eager to get it done with.

This is my usual home attire. I abide the principle of not dressing up too baggy, so as to uplift my sore mood. Which is always so melancholy. One minute of pure joy and happyness while the other second, feeling blue and down will hit me like a train wreck.

My mother was here since Monday and I have been talking alot to her. It does help to have a good heart to heart talk and have someone there for you. Someone who knows you and allows you to be who you are.

I mainly have a maintain a "composure" with milly , simply because I cannot say what I mean , most of the time, because of diplomacy.

After years of practice, I am so good at diplomacy that I forgot who I really am sometimes.

I am eager to get back on my feet because I feel compel to take care of my family and myself. Not really feeling the need to rely on anyone to help me unless they are willing to abide by ways.

My routine is flexible and even with two children, I am determine to stick to my social routine, go out and not be afraid of anything. Like I said, I will blend my kids into my life and not the other way around.

As anyone would know, in-laws worry endlessly about anything and everything. Their intentions are pure but their sense of control can limit my boundaries and restrict my fulfillment to do it my way.

In 3 weeks time, my life will change, for the better , that I can only have good hope and a good positive outlook.

Life here is such a breeze, too easy for me, coming from harsh realities in Malaysia.

Stay tuned for the chapter to evolve and develop....the plot will thicken soon

choices...

SBS was airing this 6-part documentary on childbirth in the 20th century, entitled :" One born every Minute".

It depict the countless journeys of mothers who undergo the pain and joy of labor, in all sorts of lights. First born, water births, long natural labor, C-sec, premature babies and etc. One midwife made an interesting comment, last nite, on how labor is a freedom of choice of woman these days. How they must be allow to choose their own path, drugless free or etc.

Personally, I find myself having to explain to people why I am choosing an elective c-sec in September. Natural birth is hail as the ultimate holy grail and how each woman should at least try and give birth naturally before resorting to the easier way out, c-sec.

I am not , so called, "too posh to push". But I do advise my friends who asked me about the given choices, if you can afford it, just do with the c-sec. It reduces the risk and any potential dramas. Of coz, this is a personal choice. Dun judge me for promoting c-sec, because I am not saying it works for anyone.

Lya was breech and she gave me the choice to have a c-sec. My second child is not any better. My partner is a very impatient man and I do not want to traumatize the ordeal of the unknown natural labor. It could be fast or it could be a slow painful process. Tiring for me and for my partner.

My in-laws are here for the c-sec, a scheduled , orderly operation that suits my needs the most.

Maybe some people would comment that I am rob of the real natural state of labor, child birth per say, the contractions and the birth of the baby itself. My water did broke , for Lya and I did have a 3cm contraction.

I am not bother by any debate. As long as my child is healthy, I am willing to do whatever it takes to ensure both mother and child's , safety and happyness.

Even with nursing, everyone have an ideal debate. I felt compel to nurse Lya because my mother insisted I kept trying to do so. I am not so sure that I will enforce the same rule for Lya when she is faced with this choice?

But I do what I think I can and this time around, I feel I am confident to break down all barriers and only take into account what I think is right. Disregarding what others may advise or comment or judge.

Even refusing the help from my In-laws to send Lya back to China while I nurse my new baby.

I refused to admit defeat till I am broken down to pieces.

As stubborn as I may sound, I am not one to avoid any challenges. In fact, I kinda prefer things to be a bit harder. Work a bit harder. Strive a bit harder.

I feel blessed that I am a mediocre woman. I am neither really smart not really pretty. I am just an ordinary woman who is facing her own true self. Loving each flaws. I am glad that I have so much faith in myself and loving each extra kgs of myself.

At some point in anyone's life, You got to realised, you are your own "best Friend", doctor, career consultant, life coach and etc.

1 dress!

With such one semi maxi stripped Sportsgirl dress, I attempted to vary my staple uniform item to have different looks.

I raided my wardore for shirts and loose vest to vary the looks. This is kinda warmer spring look.

As for winter, I am still sticking to long shirts and stocking to keep warm.

I still think the bloating is getting worst and worst. I am eager to try on control undergarments to smooth the bumps and such but it;s not advisable for the baby because it tends to restrict blood flows.

Pants are so not comfortable because it cuts my pelvic and restrict my movements. I have to stick to dresses till the baby arrives.

The dress has turn out to be quite a good bargain but it does give away the bodyline, which can be quite tricky to master. Any bumps or muffin tops are exposed and it could be very challenging for me to avoid any further unwanted attention to imperfection areas that I am really trying to hide!

Growing up fast...

Children grow very fast. The so-called hardest moments of motherhood is the terrible twos, when they are reaching two to three years old, learning to talk and getting very very active!

Running, exploring, falling down at each corner and eager to learn about their environment, people and the world.

Nothing makes more sense that to step back and let them explore, adapt, learn and grow.

Fuss can only make them edgy, maybe even instill fear on trying new things, meeting new people or simply playing with other children.

Like any 20 months year old, Lya is very outgoing, active and can be hard to keep up with.

After 2 months of adapting to milly, she is finally showing attachment, affection and like any normal grandparents, milly is starting to want to hold on to my little girl.

As predicted, she proposed that Lya be send off to Beijing with my in-laws. I have stood my ground, firmly on my partner's debate to do so, because he think I can;t handle two children by myself.

It;s not easy, I admit but to forsake my little girl for my second child, that I cannot do.

A mother's limited time with her child while she grows up ( quick as lighting) is enduring and sacred. I never felt it was going to be easy and here I am , with Lya turning two on November and baby No 2 in September. I feel blessed.

I feel contend.

I feel that every suffering moment as with anything in life, a phase, is worth every drop of sweat, tear and blood.

My partner thinks it's a control thing between me and milly and how I DO NOT trust her with her parenting style. True, I admit to it. I am very doubtful of her parenting skills and the medical condition in China.

But moreover, it;s how I plan to be there for Lya and my other baby, every single step of the way. Soon, she will talk and she will be her own little person.

I cannot bear to miss any of it. It;s not just about the good times, but the bad times when she gets sick, misbehave or her little tantrums.

Motherhood is an incorporated world of ups and downs. Pitfalls and endless dramas. But as with anything, per say, like one's career, or de facto relationships, family's drama and etc, It;s a journey.

What we learn at the end , we savior and we salvaged.

I have so much precious moments with my Little Girl that I never forget, one day, she will stop holding my hands.

She will stop kissing me.

She will stop wanting me to be with her all the time.

That she will grow up to be this strong, beautiful woman that I will be so proud of , no matter what happens.

That she will always be my little girl.

Until then, I hold my first born with much pride.

x0x0

Ker-ching!

Motherhood is all about budgeting,finance, dipping into one's savings and weighing in the cost of not working, ie, 2 to 3 years of unemployment, not having any maternity leave ( you may need at least 12 mths working in the company before you actually get to qualify for their maternity leave package!)

This is an extremely long list of issues to consider. I am even timing two to every bill, child care times two, holiday air ticket times two, car seats times two, toys times two and the endless amount of huggies! One box of Huggies, is like 70 nappies, costing , without discount, 36 to 42 AUD.

I remember my dear friend leekah, who used to advised me to stock up on huggies when there is a sale going on, I thought to myself, " Is it really necessary?"

Now, However, I am stocking up all the huggies My hands can carry at once!

Ikea, Australia, offers up to half of one;s annual income when you have worked 2 years or more. My thought is do everyone need to work 2 years and then, try for a baby?

Isn;t it stressful enough to even try for a baby without ruining the romance of conceiving one?

Sucking all the romance of expecting a baby, I am left with bills unpaid, uncertainties of what the future holds, the rising cost of child care ( up to aud 1000 per mth for like 4 days per week! per child!), my own expenses ( shopping, allowances, beauty regimes and etc expenses).

Ad hoc expenses, like spending tickets, insurance ( car, medical and house), doggie expenses ( food, vet fees, medicine and grooming), birthdays and weekend getaways?

Both of my partners craved on weekend getaways, movies, eating out and the usual taking the kids to the zoo or just a plain train fun ride for the kids?

Ooo...new shoes? new clothes? for the kids, shoes does cost a bomb here, and I only shop for those ones in Kmart, Big W and Target!

Jackets are the worst as well. Some good ones can easily cost 100 to 300 per jacket for better cotton/wool material and we are in the four seasons zone! I assumed tropical homeland exclude this cost of buying seasonal clothing for the kids!

The little things we take for granted? Holidays? We are planning a ski trip for lya and her sibling and that would easily run a total cost of 2000, more or less. Ski Gear are extremely pricey but for the experience of a true family holiday, it is priceless!

I sound like a Mastercard ad right?

I even try and cut down expenses, like nursing the baby, formulaes are expensive ladies, aud 26 per unit and that can only last 2 weeks or so?

Using cloth nappy in spring/summer, it does make more sense. Help saving the environment with less rubbish to throw, less nappy rash and My beloved mother is here to help me hand wash the baby's poo and wee for a fraction of the cost. Water and glycerin soap are used and the grey water is used on the garden when it is needed most, SUMMER BLAZE!

I would suggest to any new mother, try and use cloth nappy. It is a tad bit more work , and help is needed, like having your beloved mother with you for the first 3 to 4 mths!

My mum gets something to do and it helps her in feeling useful?

So far, I have scout many potential part time jobs. But I still got like 1.5 years till the baby no 2 settle in and in between, placing a vacancy for them in childcare.

After all the distinctive budgeting, I still come to the conclusion that it;s worth every single penny and dime.

Isn;t it ironic?

maybe one day?

As with everything in life, I get judged quite alot on my life choices. Motherhood and parenting are such subjective topics. What works conventionally and what a good mother is supposed to be like are subjected to more than one perception.

Some would let you have more autonomy to do what you think is right while others think you should not cross the strict guidelines.

I got this dress from MNG, a special collection, in 2007, it was on sale, I can;t remember how much, probably like MOP 200? Around less than Rm100?

I like it;s simplicity and it even fits me when I am like fully bloated, coming near full term?

I never had a real chance to wear it, obviously.

Still am waiting for the right occasion to wear it. Probably on a fine weekend, with flats, to minimize it;s formal wear , taking it to daytime wear?

Like a casual Maxi dress?

Trust me, I am not trying to raise the bar with mothers of 2 kids! It really is a full time job with loads of spills, vomit, very dirty fingers and rigorous fast dirty little hands, tripping stuff, spilling stuff and basically, sometimes I have to change clothes in between.

The trick is embrace motherhood, let chaos be what it is, uncontrollable, unpredictable and manage it when it happens!

Nothing ever really make me nervous except when my little babies are feeling exceptionally sick, like, 38deg fevers! Now, that really scares me.

With my in laws and his grandmother presence till October, ( gosh...it;s seems long right), I have embraced their nagging ways. They will not be here for good anyway ( thank goodness, seriously) .

Meanwhile, I am enjoying every lingering moments and my postings are regular. ( Sep 13th is looming!)

Maybe One day I will wear this dress again?

Accessories!

This is all I have down listed from loads of stuff I accumulated over the years. Things like earrings, belts, brooches and necklaces that I commonly would wear on a daily basis.

Special occasions are dime a dozen in my life. Exceptional rare.

I am always on a look out for great bargains in studded earrings. I do fancy longer earrings but with Lya's noti hands, You might never know when a painful accident may occur?

Best to stick to just studs for now.

Dress maniac!

I have a confession to make, I am in the last few weeks of my pregnancy and basically I live in my tights.

I was inspire to do this pregnancy street look but had no one to help me take streets photographs so I managed to take them in my closet at home, while my little girl naps.

Dresses and tights are like my uniform for now because I simply need that elasticity to stay comfortable. The baby;s head is pushing my pelvic and I get very bad indigestion if I am tightly bounded.

Vanity is my biggest foe these days, as I refused to let myself bind in baggy shapeless clothes to make myself hide behind this wonderful bump.

This may well be my last pregnancy.

Instead of hiding behind it, I am simply embracing it.

Maybe inspire more woman to celebrate pregnancy.

Trust me, when one gain all that weight and is bloating like mad, the worst thing anyone can do is wear hideous shapeless clothes to add more depression into one's mood.

Colors celebrate my little bundle of joy.